Soul Cries

Motivational speeches and talks are hard for me.  I know that I should come away from them ready to act.  I should know better and feel better about who I am.  I should feel more empowered and ready to take life by the horns and make necessary adjustments in my life to maintain these feelings.  I should feel all of this and more...

But, I don't...

I feel totally helpless and powerless.  I feel as though I will not be able to make any kind of positive change.  I feel bound and trapped by my habits, complacency, and laziness.  I feel as though I will never be better than my mistakes.

I am not inspired the way I should be by the inspirational stories.  Instead of feeling a lift, I feel my soul bow its head and wilt in my chest in total depression, knowing that it is incapable of doing the same.  I feel the pressure of those around me who expect better and their stares disappointment and disbelief as I bumble along consistently choosing amiss.  I feel completely helpless and alone.

Photo via Google

All I seem able to do is disappoint, stumble, and break people's hearts.  It would appear that I am unable to do anything right...  Perhaps I focus too much on what's past.  Perhaps I "should on" and expect too much of myself.  Perhaps  I look for the faults inside me and ignore any good - if there is any to be found...  Regardless of the source of my feelings, they are there.  I feel these things inside my soul.  I can feel their weight and can taste their bitterness.   I want to disappear into non-existence and hide from my inadequacy and the broken expectations of those around me.  Alas, my wish is impossible, this can never happen.