Musing

I don't know if anyone reads this.....   I would be lying if I said that I hope that someone is.  That same idea is also terribly frightening.  Why is it so scary?  The people to whom I have given the URL are people who know me personally.  Therefore they could be shocked, scared, upset, or even angered by what I could write.  In fact, I tend to be much more careful about what I choose to post and what I don't because I don't want too many people to know too much about me and my personal disasters.  I don't know how I feel about that.

Maybe its time to start a new blog...  I'll think on that for a bit and then get back to you all....

Crazy

I have been spending too much time in my own head.  Its an odd phrase and an even odder idea, but I am discovering more and more how real of a condition it is.   Allow me to try and articulate what this is like:  It feels like you are in the middle of the river being pulled in every direction and nearly ripped apart by the current as it slams you up against the rocks - almost as if the river is trying to bring you to the brink of unconsciousness, but never hitting hard enough to bring the relief of actually passing out.  

Once you've spent too much time in your own head, it begins to feel like you're in a fog surrounded by the swirling mess of your thoughts.  And no matter which way you turn, there is no escaping them.  In the mist, your fears and cease to be identifiable and definite; rather they expand and lurk in the shadows growing exponentially breathing out threatening whispers that shake your bones.  What was once a simple miss-perception becomes a great and looming monster - complete with razor sharp jagged teeth, a blood lust, and a personal vendetta against you.  

In this disheveled state, things begin to slip allowing for further slippage.  Things begin to shift out of focus and life begins to feel futile.  Borrowing the idea from Ray Bradbury, you begin to feel like a child told by an older sibling to fill a sieve with sand.  As you try, you begin to feel more and more frustrated and desperate as you frantically try to fill the emptying sieve. 

The madness this causes is an awful lot like someone has turned your life and thoughts into a jigsaw puzzle, scattered the pieces around the house, and then re-arranged the furniture.  Then, as you finally begin to find the pieces, that cruel individual secretly steals them away again and quickly discards them - hiding them better than the first time.  

 One might ask, "How does the condition come about?  How could someone become such a prisoner in their own mind?"  I guess its more common a question than I think...  I'm sure many studies have been conducted trying to find out how such a thing occurs.  I would like to add (or reiterate if its already been said) one possible reason, or at least offer why I think I'm trapped:

According to the Myers Briggs Type Indicator or MBTI, I am an ENFP or an ENFJ (on the continuum scale, I was about in the middle of the two types).  This means that I am an Extroverted follower of his iNtuition, Feeling his way through his Perceived world and sometimes Judging it.  If none of that makes sense, follow the links attached above for more information.

As an ENFP, I am very attached to people and I am deeply affected by my emotions.  Affirmation means the world to me, even though I shrug it off, and being affectionate and helpful to others is what drives me.  Sometimes, my fear of 'concreteness" can get in the way of making decisions, but I think that is more a flaw of my own lack of self esteem and self trust than a love for constant change.  Because of my J tendencies, I also am a lover of some solidity and I like to have some control over myself and my surroundings.  

Now, with that as a back drop, hopefully the rest of this mess will make sense.  Since I have blogged (although vaguely) previously about the goings on of my life since the beginning of summer 2013, I'll skip over the gory details of what's happened and stick to the basics.  In a matter of months, my friendship pool dropped in size considerably.  In other words, I went from being overbooked to neverbooked.  I spend my time with the same people and rarely meet anyone new.  

~ A QUICK ASIDE ~ 

I love those same people I see day after day and I would be lost without them.  I am merely trying to convey my feelings.  Thanks for your indulgence.

My friends have dropped like flies to the magic moments of marriage, moving, therefore, moving on.  I have lost loves, I have lost friends, my family and some other of my closest friends turned nippy towards me, all in all a bad time with few to no stops in between.  In short, my life feels like an absolute train wreck without hope in sight.

 At every turn, I feel deafened by the roar of solitude and feel the crushing weight of aloneness.

 I feel like I'm going crazy...