Dear everyone,
I have a petition to put to you all: please, PLEASE, be real. Be who you are. It saves time, energy, and heartache.
That is all.
Josh
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Stand Up and Stop It
As I was checking Facebook this morning, I came across an article that disturbed me greatly. A 12 year old boy in California took his own life because he was bullied for being the only male cheer leader on the squad. He was taunted about being gay and I'm sure a host of other horrific things until he was taken out of the local Jr High and was home schooled. This apparently didn't fix the problem and he still felt that his only option was to take his life. A link to the story can be found here: Story.
It is things like this that make me want to shake the world and wake it up to the reality of suffering. There are people who wake up every day and cry because they have to face the world again. Activities once loved become uninteresting or a burden or, in as in this boys case, the source of his pain.
Lets look at that point for just a second: he loved cheer leading, and yet it was for that same thing that he was being teased. I don't know this boy, his personality, or anything about him; that being said, I can guess that he was experiencing some intense cognitive dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance, according to dictionary.com, is a, "psychological conflict resulting from simultaneously held incongruous beliefs and attitudes (as a fondness for smoking and a belief that it is harmful)." It is likely that he both loved and hated cheering. Which is an absolute tragedy because a 12 year old boy should be allowed to do whatever he is passionate about without the fear of being bullied.
Bullying is never OK. Never. Stand up and stop bullying.
It is things like this that make me want to shake the world and wake it up to the reality of suffering. There are people who wake up every day and cry because they have to face the world again. Activities once loved become uninteresting or a burden or, in as in this boys case, the source of his pain.
Lets look at that point for just a second: he loved cheer leading, and yet it was for that same thing that he was being teased. I don't know this boy, his personality, or anything about him; that being said, I can guess that he was experiencing some intense cognitive dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance, according to dictionary.com, is a, "psychological conflict resulting from simultaneously held incongruous beliefs and attitudes (as a fondness for smoking and a belief that it is harmful)." It is likely that he both loved and hated cheering. Which is an absolute tragedy because a 12 year old boy should be allowed to do whatever he is passionate about without the fear of being bullied.
Bullying is never OK. Never. Stand up and stop bullying.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Dating: My Current Position
To any and all who read this:
I am, as of right now and for the foreseeable future, out of the dating pool.
To be clear: I'M NOT ON THE MARKET!
Dating: Its too stressful. Too painful. I'm not good at it. No one seems interested. And, perhaps most importantly, I'm not in a place where I can (or should) be seeking a relationship.
If anyone finds this statement to be an error, please let me know. I'd really appreciate it.
Thank you for your time.
I am, as of right now and for the foreseeable future, out of the dating pool.
To be clear: I'M NOT ON THE MARKET!
Dating: Its too stressful. Too painful. I'm not good at it. No one seems interested. And, perhaps most importantly, I'm not in a place where I can (or should) be seeking a relationship.
If anyone finds this statement to be an error, please let me know. I'd really appreciate it.
Thank you for your time.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
A Good Find
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released this video recently. I found it to be extremely moving and insightful and wanted to share. Follow this link for the video: Suicide Prevention . Enjoy!
Thursday, September 4, 2014
In response
I read an article a while back and this was my response. I have also included the answers I received back. I have eliminated any way to identify those who answered me. It is not my intent to slam them, just to show what sort of thoughts I had.
I also was pretty proud of my answers, so I had to share.
The article I read was basically about how church leaders are cruel an need to be more aware of the times and get with it. That we have strayed from the path as a church and have corrupt and false prophets leading us.
Lemme know what you think!
Me:
This article raised a question in my soul: Who are we to criticize the Lord, His Church, or those whom He has called? Perhaps this "deviation" from the "good-ole-days" is not so much a problem with the church, but with those who look at it with an increasingly tainted lens as the enemy of us all gains greater control over the children of men.
Don't forget that this life is a TEST! A test that is designed to push us and help us learn what we must learn by the One who knows us perfectly. Tests, by nature, push us and are uncomfortable. What's more is this test isn't just designed to test our knowledge, but our character - another matter entirely. Facts are easily regurgitate-able. Character cannot be faked, especially to a Being who knows us perfectly.
Often these tests come through trials, afflictions, and all the "unfair-ities" that the infernal realms and those that serve them can throw at us. Although He is not the source of suffering and pain, He DOES ALLOW IT to show us how broken and hurt we are. All the unfairness in the world is a part of the greater and far grander design of God.
I am not naive. I am not just a blind follower, doing whatever I am told without question. Quite the opposite, actually. I deal on a personal level with some of the issues talked about in this article. I know the hurt and fear I experience comes because I lack understanding of the trial's purpose. I know that the fear comes when I depart from my God toward a path that He has forbidden - NOT because He wants to put me into a box, but because He knows that the path is made up of briers and thorns that will poke, prod and hurt; thorns tipped in poison which is designed to make me feel that I know more than the Being who created me and that I am perfectly fine, when in actuality I am rotting from the inside out.
In such a state, I would be uncomfortable. That does NOT mean, however, that I then blame my discomfort on the Lord or his chosen Prophets. As I stated earlier, my discomfort came from my actions and lack of faith, not from the doctrines of the gospel and the explanations thereof that fall from the Prophet's (and therefore CHRIST'S) lips (D&C1:38).
________________________________
LDSDP said...
BK said...
G said...
A said...
Joshua Henricksen said...
G said...
Joshua Henricksen said...
BK said...
G said...
I also was pretty proud of my answers, so I had to share.
The article I read was basically about how church leaders are cruel an need to be more aware of the times and get with it. That we have strayed from the path as a church and have corrupt and false prophets leading us.
Lemme know what you think!
________________________________
Me:
This article raised a question in my soul: Who are we to criticize the Lord, His Church, or those whom He has called? Perhaps this "deviation" from the "good-ole-days" is not so much a problem with the church, but with those who look at it with an increasingly tainted lens as the enemy of us all gains greater control over the children of men.
Don't forget that this life is a TEST! A test that is designed to push us and help us learn what we must learn by the One who knows us perfectly. Tests, by nature, push us and are uncomfortable. What's more is this test isn't just designed to test our knowledge, but our character - another matter entirely. Facts are easily regurgitate-able. Character cannot be faked, especially to a Being who knows us perfectly.
Often these tests come through trials, afflictions, and all the "unfair-ities" that the infernal realms and those that serve them can throw at us. Although He is not the source of suffering and pain, He DOES ALLOW IT to show us how broken and hurt we are. All the unfairness in the world is a part of the greater and far grander design of God.
I am not naive. I am not just a blind follower, doing whatever I am told without question. Quite the opposite, actually. I deal on a personal level with some of the issues talked about in this article. I know the hurt and fear I experience comes because I lack understanding of the trial's purpose. I know that the fear comes when I depart from my God toward a path that He has forbidden - NOT because He wants to put me into a box, but because He knows that the path is made up of briers and thorns that will poke, prod and hurt; thorns tipped in poison which is designed to make me feel that I know more than the Being who created me and that I am perfectly fine, when in actuality I am rotting from the inside out.
In such a state, I would be uncomfortable. That does NOT mean, however, that I then blame my discomfort on the Lord or his chosen Prophets. As I stated earlier, my discomfort came from my actions and lack of faith, not from the doctrines of the gospel and the explanations thereof that fall from the Prophet's (and therefore CHRIST'S) lips (D&C1:38).
________________________________
Joshua,
I'm not being sarcastic when I say this, but there are those who believe we are not to criticize anyone--
including the governments of the world, including the U.S. government (which I believe is quite evil)--
I think those people are just a lot more Christlike than I am.
I don't think that being critical of some of the church programs is the same as being critical of God, though.
I really do keep God separate from the church--
but I believe that God uses evil people to do His work, of all strange things, and He uses people who aren't that Christlike to test His most humble people--
He just uses everything and everyone, and He will sort it out.
What you said in the last part of your post really made sense to me.
HE will sort it all out.
But I can't keep my mouth shut when I see abuse, whether in the government or in the church (any church)--
I'm not being sarcastic when I say this, but there are those who believe we are not to criticize anyone--
including the governments of the world, including the U.S. government (which I believe is quite evil)--
I think those people are just a lot more Christlike than I am.
I don't think that being critical of some of the church programs is the same as being critical of God, though.
I really do keep God separate from the church--
but I believe that God uses evil people to do His work, of all strange things, and He uses people who aren't that Christlike to test His most humble people--
He just uses everything and everyone, and He will sort it out.
What you said in the last part of your post really made sense to me.
HE will sort it all out.
But I can't keep my mouth shut when I see abuse, whether in the government or in the church (any church)--
BK said...
Joshua,
You are assuming (as you've just chosen to believe) that the leaders of the LDS Church are called by God and that he backs them and that they are following Christ. None of which is true in my opinion when you 'prove all things' and not just blindly accept what they tell you.
And who are we to judge or criticize them or warn others about them? Christ commanded us to, and he told us how to judge true prophets from false ones. And in doing so we can see that the Church leaders are not following Christ, nor do they have charity, nor were they called by God nor do they have any authority or keys from him, nor are they even righteous or honest.
It appears you have followed blindly and have not researched and studied how Brigham Young took over the church, by vote and then by prideful power and persuasion, not by revelation or calling from God.
And it wasn't the whole church who followed him either, just a part of the Church Joseph started. Many or most members refused to follow Brigham out west back then because they thought of him like we think of Warren Jeffs today.
It appears you aren't aware how Joseph Smith taught completely contrary to BY and today's church, and from what is written by and of Joseph, he almost surely was about to excommunicate BY and other apostles for whoredoms like polygamy, but died before he could do it. And afterwards BY was not going to ex himself of course.
Why would you ever believe such a man could be righteous, let alone continue the Church with God's or Joseph's blessings?
What about the RLDS Church, it was founded by an Apostle and many former members also, and was just another break off of Joseph's original church like the LDS church is. There was no difference, except # of members which means nothing.
It appears you have just assumed and believed what Brigham Young and the leaders up to today have told you, without proving it to be true and doing your own homework.
And we don't prove things by warm fuzzies (for people in all religions get the same warm fuzzies about their religion as LDS do and think it's God too)
But we prove people, prophets and churches by the words of Christ, which proves the LDS Church is false for it is not following Christ. That at least is very clear.
I know 6 year olds who know and understand Christ's teachings better then any LDS leader I know does. But then most just make excuses for the church saying that somehow Christ's words aren't valid today. And most buy it cause it's easier.
You are assuming (as you've just chosen to believe) that the leaders of the LDS Church are called by God and that he backs them and that they are following Christ. None of which is true in my opinion when you 'prove all things' and not just blindly accept what they tell you.
And who are we to judge or criticize them or warn others about them? Christ commanded us to, and he told us how to judge true prophets from false ones. And in doing so we can see that the Church leaders are not following Christ, nor do they have charity, nor were they called by God nor do they have any authority or keys from him, nor are they even righteous or honest.
It appears you have followed blindly and have not researched and studied how Brigham Young took over the church, by vote and then by prideful power and persuasion, not by revelation or calling from God.
And it wasn't the whole church who followed him either, just a part of the Church Joseph started. Many or most members refused to follow Brigham out west back then because they thought of him like we think of Warren Jeffs today.
It appears you aren't aware how Joseph Smith taught completely contrary to BY and today's church, and from what is written by and of Joseph, he almost surely was about to excommunicate BY and other apostles for whoredoms like polygamy, but died before he could do it. And afterwards BY was not going to ex himself of course.
Why would you ever believe such a man could be righteous, let alone continue the Church with God's or Joseph's blessings?
What about the RLDS Church, it was founded by an Apostle and many former members also, and was just another break off of Joseph's original church like the LDS church is. There was no difference, except # of members which means nothing.
It appears you have just assumed and believed what Brigham Young and the leaders up to today have told you, without proving it to be true and doing your own homework.
And we don't prove things by warm fuzzies (for people in all religions get the same warm fuzzies about their religion as LDS do and think it's God too)
But we prove people, prophets and churches by the words of Christ, which proves the LDS Church is false for it is not following Christ. That at least is very clear.
I know 6 year olds who know and understand Christ's teachings better then any LDS leader I know does. But then most just make excuses for the church saying that somehow Christ's words aren't valid today. And most buy it cause it's easier.
Joshua Henricksen,
With all due respect you need to re-read D&C 1:38, study it carefully and try to understand what it is really saying.
With all due respect you need to re-read D&C 1:38, study it carefully and try to understand what it is really saying.
Joshua Henricksen,
You have fallen victim to one of the myths prevalent in the church, the one where D&C 1:38 is frequently quoted to imply that whenever the presidents of the church open their mouths to speak, they are speaking with the voice of God.
Gary Hunt has suggested you look that verse over carefully until you recognize the error of that assumption. I'll go further and recommend you read the entire revelation.
It does not appear that when the Lord made reference there to his "servants" that he had in mind future presidents of the Church. Indeed, it's apparent to me that those "servants" referred to did not even include Joseph Smith, but angelic messengers such as Moroni; and possibly ancient prophets such as Ezekial, Hosea, and Isaiah who had prophesied of things that had not yet come to pass.
But not Joseph Smith or any of his successors.
Context is everything, and we Mormons are as proficient in taking scriptures out of context to support false assumptions as any Baptist I've ever known.
You have fallen victim to one of the myths prevalent in the church, the one where D&C 1:38 is frequently quoted to imply that whenever the presidents of the church open their mouths to speak, they are speaking with the voice of God.
Gary Hunt has suggested you look that verse over carefully until you recognize the error of that assumption. I'll go further and recommend you read the entire revelation.
It does not appear that when the Lord made reference there to his "servants" that he had in mind future presidents of the Church. Indeed, it's apparent to me that those "servants" referred to did not even include Joseph Smith, but angelic messengers such as Moroni; and possibly ancient prophets such as Ezekial, Hosea, and Isaiah who had prophesied of things that had not yet come to pass.
But not Joseph Smith or any of his successors.
Context is everything, and we Mormons are as proficient in taking scriptures out of context to support false assumptions as any Baptist I've ever known.
Joshua Henricksen said...
G and A:
I have re-read the scripture and I have done a bit of research regarding the word "servant." My opinion has not changed. I would invite the two of you to go back through the Doctrine and Covenants and look at how often the Lord refers to the mortal men and women mentioned in those revelations as his servants.
Please also see verses 14 and 17-18 where it not only references the angelic messengers, but also future presidents and apostles and Joseph Smith himself, calling him a servant. I would invite the two of you to go back and re-read the revelation to find the true meaning of D&C 1:38.
I have re-read the scripture and I have done a bit of research regarding the word "servant." My opinion has not changed. I would invite the two of you to go back through the Doctrine and Covenants and look at how often the Lord refers to the mortal men and women mentioned in those revelations as his servants.
Please also see verses 14 and 17-18 where it not only references the angelic messengers, but also future presidents and apostles and Joseph Smith himself, calling him a servant. I would invite the two of you to go back and re-read the revelation to find the true meaning of D&C 1:38.
Joshua Hendricksen,
Here's the scripture. Let me walk you through it.
38 What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.
The subject of the first phrase is what the Lord has spoken. The next four phrases tells us that he doesn't make excuses for what he has said. What he says will be fullfilled. The last phrase is what get many members mixed up.
"...whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same."
What is the subject the Lord is refering to? It is the words the Lord, Himself has actually spoken. It doesn't matter if the vehicle for distributing His words is His own voice or the voice of one of his servants. Many member interpret this to mean that whenever a servant speaks it is the same as if the Lord was speaking. They forget the prerequisite that the Lord has to be speaking in the first place for it to be the same.
Do you get it now?
Here's the scripture. Let me walk you through it.
38 What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.
The subject of the first phrase is what the Lord has spoken. The next four phrases tells us that he doesn't make excuses for what he has said. What he says will be fullfilled. The last phrase is what get many members mixed up.
"...whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same."
What is the subject the Lord is refering to? It is the words the Lord, Himself has actually spoken. It doesn't matter if the vehicle for distributing His words is His own voice or the voice of one of his servants. Many member interpret this to mean that whenever a servant speaks it is the same as if the Lord was speaking. They forget the prerequisite that the Lord has to be speaking in the first place for it to be the same.
Do you get it now?
Joshua Henricksen said...
@G - I understand that completely. What you don't understand is that is exactly what General Conference is! Please see vs 20 where it states that the Lord wants every man (and that term refers to women as well - think of the context) to speak in His name. This is not to replace Him. Quite the contrary - it is rather that we are close enough to Him that we say what He would. Please also see Official Declaration 1 where President Woodruff tells us that, "The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty." The oracles of God include the Quorum of the 12, because we sustain them as prophets, seers, and revelators (please see "Revelation" in the Bible Dictionary, 2nd paragraph. A search on LDS.org of "revleators" in the scriptures section will be most helpful).
With all of this as evidence, do you really think that the Lord would allow His chosen servants to speak something from the pulpit at General Conference that wouldn't be what He would say if He were there Himself?
With all of this as evidence, do you really think that the Lord would allow His chosen servants to speak something from the pulpit at General Conference that wouldn't be what He would say if He were there Himself?
Joshua,
Yes, I for one do believe the Lord definitely allows LDS leaders to teach falsehoods and lead the people astray, just like he allows all leaders in other churches to lead people astray.
You're assuming what W.W. said was true, why do you just blindly believe him or any LDS leader?
Church history and the scriptures have proven that what W.W. said is totally false, that Prophets and Church leaders can and have taught falsehoods and led the Church astray many times over, especially Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.
False prophets usually try to convince their followers that they can't be wrong, that is nothing new. We need to be smarter then that.
We have to be wise and use discernment in everything so-called prophets or anyone says, teaches or claims.
But I can see why people fall for such leader & falsehoods like 'the prophet can't lead the Church astray', for it's much easier then having to do your own homework & prove all things & live righteously to have the discernment to see through their errors and evils.
I believe that most people who are led astray 'want to be' or don't care that they are led astray, for it's just easier then standing for right & following Christ.
And God lets people believe whatever they want, whether right or wrong.
Yes, I for one do believe the Lord definitely allows LDS leaders to teach falsehoods and lead the people astray, just like he allows all leaders in other churches to lead people astray.
You're assuming what W.W. said was true, why do you just blindly believe him or any LDS leader?
Church history and the scriptures have proven that what W.W. said is totally false, that Prophets and Church leaders can and have taught falsehoods and led the Church astray many times over, especially Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.
False prophets usually try to convince their followers that they can't be wrong, that is nothing new. We need to be smarter then that.
We have to be wise and use discernment in everything so-called prophets or anyone says, teaches or claims.
But I can see why people fall for such leader & falsehoods like 'the prophet can't lead the Church astray', for it's much easier then having to do your own homework & prove all things & live righteously to have the discernment to see through their errors and evils.
I believe that most people who are led astray 'want to be' or don't care that they are led astray, for it's just easier then standing for right & following Christ.
And God lets people believe whatever they want, whether right or wrong.
G said...
Joshua,
I am well aware of everything you have brought up. I have studied them for many years. I would say the thing you are unaware of is that presidents and apostles of the church have contradicted each other on numerous occasions. These occasions include General Conference. Let me give you some examples.
JOSEPH SMITH: Millennial Star, Vol 14, Number 38, pages 593-595. [(Apostle Samuel Richards on Nov. 13, 1852, recorded in the Millennial Star, 14:393-395.)] "We have heard men who hold the priesthood remark that they would do anything they were told to do by those who preside over them [even] if they knew it was wrong; but such obedience as this is worse than folly to us; it is slavery in the extreme; and the man who would thus willingly degrade himself, should not claim a rank among intelligent beings, until he turns from his folly. A man of God would despise the idea. Others, in the extreme exercise of their almighty authority have taught that such obedience was necessary, and that no matter what the saints were told do by their presidents they should do it without any questions. When Elders of Israel will so far indulge in these extreme notions of obedience as to teach them to the people, it is generally because they have it in their hearts to do wrong themselves."
Brigham Young at the Provo, Utah Bowery Conference in 1867 "Brethren, this Church will be led onto the very brink of hell by the leaders of this people."
These two statements contradict what Wilford Woodruff stated when offering his opinion.
Pres. John Taylor told the people that if they found that he erred in doctrine that they should come to him and discuss the doctrine. If that person could prove him wrong he would admit it and consider it a blessing. He also expected the other person, if he proved them wrong, to admit it.
I am not trying to put down the leaders. They are human. They have their opinions and they express them. Even in Conference. Assuming the things they say are the same as the Lord speaking, just because of their position, is spiritual laziness. The Lord has given us a way to know if what they say is true or not.
Listening to conference, I have had experiences where the Holy Ghost has witnessed to me that what a particluar leader has said is true. I have also had experiences where the Holy Ghost has witnessed to me that what a particular leader has said is not true. The bottom line it ultimately is between the God and us. He reveals his truths to us through the Holy Ghost.
A final quote from Brigham Young.
"I have often said
to the Latter-day Saints--
Live so that you will know whether I teach you the
truth or not.
Suppose you are careless and unconcerned,
and give way to the
spirit of the world,
and
I am led, likewise,
to preach the things of this world
and to accept things that are NOT of God,
how easy it would be for me to lead you astray!
But I say to you, live so that you will know
for yourselves whether I tell the truth or not.
That is the way we want all Saints to live."
(Brigham Young, JD 18:248
___________________________________
At this point I didn't bother responding. If you think I'm wrong or have anything to add, please post in the comments below. I'd love to hear what you have to say!
Monday, April 14, 2014
Musing
I don't know if anyone reads this..... I would be lying if I said that I hope that someone is. That same idea is also terribly frightening. Why is it so scary? The people to whom I have given the URL are people who know me personally. Therefore they could be shocked, scared, upset, or even angered by what I could write. In fact, I tend to be much more careful about what I choose to post and what I don't because I don't want too many people to know too much about me and my personal disasters. I don't know how I feel about that.
Maybe its time to start a new blog... I'll think on that for a bit and then get back to you all....
Maybe its time to start a new blog... I'll think on that for a bit and then get back to you all....
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Crazy
I have been spending too much time in my own head. Its an odd phrase and an even odder idea, but I am discovering more and more how real of a condition it is. Allow me to try and articulate what this is like: It feels like you are in the middle of the river being pulled in every direction and nearly ripped apart by the current as it slams you up against the rocks - almost as if the river is trying to bring you to the brink of unconsciousness, but never hitting hard enough to bring the relief of actually passing out.
Once you've spent too much time in your own head, it begins to feel like you're in a fog surrounded by the swirling mess of your thoughts. And no matter which way you turn, there is no escaping them. In the mist, your fears and cease to be identifiable and definite; rather they expand and lurk in the shadows growing exponentially breathing out threatening whispers that shake your bones. What was once a simple miss-perception becomes a great and looming monster - complete with razor sharp jagged teeth, a blood lust, and a personal vendetta against you.
In this disheveled state, things begin to slip allowing for further slippage. Things begin to shift out of focus and life begins to feel futile. Borrowing the idea from Ray Bradbury, you begin to feel like a child told by an older sibling to fill a sieve with sand. As you try, you begin to feel more and more frustrated and desperate as you frantically try to fill the emptying sieve.
The madness this causes is an awful lot like someone has turned your life and thoughts into a jigsaw puzzle, scattered the pieces around the house, and then re-arranged the furniture. Then, as you finally begin to find the pieces, that cruel individual secretly steals them away again and quickly discards them - hiding them better than the first time.
One might ask, "How does the condition come about? How could someone become such a prisoner in their own mind?" I guess its more common a question than I think... I'm sure many studies have been conducted trying to find out how such a thing occurs. I would like to add (or reiterate if its already been said) one possible reason, or at least offer why I think I'm trapped:
According to the Myers Briggs Type Indicator or MBTI, I am an ENFP or an ENFJ (on the continuum scale, I was about in the middle of the two types). This means that I am an Extroverted follower of his iNtuition, Feeling his way through his Perceived world and sometimes Judging it. If none of that makes sense, follow the links attached above for more information.
As an ENFP, I am very attached to people and I am deeply affected by my emotions. Affirmation means the world to me, even though I shrug it off, and being affectionate and helpful to others is what drives me. Sometimes, my fear of 'concreteness" can get in the way of making decisions, but I think that is more a flaw of my own lack of self esteem and self trust than a love for constant change. Because of my J tendencies, I also am a lover of some solidity and I like to have some control over myself and my surroundings.
Now, with that as a back drop, hopefully the rest of this mess will make sense. Since I have blogged (although vaguely) previously about the goings on of my life since the beginning of summer 2013, I'll skip over the gory details of what's happened and stick to the basics. In a matter of months, my friendship pool dropped in size considerably. In other words, I went from being overbooked to neverbooked. I spend my time with the same people and rarely meet anyone new.
~ A QUICK ASIDE ~
I love those same people I see day after day and I would be lost without them. I am merely trying to convey my feelings. Thanks for your indulgence.
My friends have dropped like flies to the magic moments of marriage, moving, therefore, moving on. I have lost loves, I have lost friends, my family and some other of my closest friends turned nippy towards me, all in all a bad time with few to no stops in between. In short, my life feels like an absolute train wreck without hope in sight.
At every turn, I feel deafened by the roar of solitude and feel the crushing weight of aloneness.
I feel like I'm going crazy...
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
I Have a Thing or Two to Say About That
There is a video that is going viral right now. If you haven't seen it, I really think you should. In fact, hold on...
 |
| 20 Strangers Kiss for the First Time, by Tatia Pilieva |
There! Click on the photo to follow the link to the video. It really is quite the cute and oddly beautiful video. I was NOT expecting to love a video about total strangers kissing to be so powerful and to have it draw me into the moment and wait with giggling anticipation the moment when their lips would finally meet.
As I was all doe eyed about this video and looking through the comments along the bottom, I saw that there was a response. Although I find these somewhat annoying and frustrating, I guess I am, in essence, writing a response to the response... So, I will not pass judgement.
Anyway... This is the link to the response page: Response. It pulls apart the video and slams anyone who thought that it was beautiful calling it, among other things, "artificial." I have a thing or two to say about that!
Even if it was "staged," I still thought it was a
beautiful video. I, for one, am not on the top of everyone's - or for that matter
anyone's - "to kiss list." I have felt shockingly,
haltingly, and hopelessly alone. This video helped keep the magic of
possibility alive in my heart - even if they are actors. They are still
humans going through this crazy mortal experience with the rest of us.
They - even though trained - are vulnerable and feeling humans. And,
as any good actor knows, you use experiences you have already been
through to help bring out the emotion of the scene. So, even if what
was filmed was "artificial," they still would have at least one
"genuine" experience before being able to bring it to life again.
I loved it and I hope something this magical would happen in my life. There is something quite incredible in the relationships we have between one another. Regardless of its origins, I think this video shows that.
I'd love to hear what you think! Comment and let me know! :)
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Dwindling
I have found myself in an interesting place as of late. Perhaps interesting isn't the right word... It holds the connotation of positivity and good things to come, and that would NOT be accurate. Depressing, awful, unpleasant - although not altogether surprising - would probably be closer to the truth.
Since May of 2013, I have had a steady decline in the number of friends that I have the privilege of calling my own. Beginning with the marriage of my best friend in the whole world, I have been more and more lonely as my friends disappear. They go off and get married and then become too busy to call or text, we break off a relationship and then avoid each other and each others friends, they move away, a misunderstanding gets in the way of communication, etc... The list "why's" goes on and on. Although the reasons vary, the outcome is still the same - I am left alone.
Now let me be clear: it is NOT that these people have intentionally pushed me out of their lives or vice versa. With the exception of one, I have not purged or think that I have been purged; but it certainly feels that way, and I do not do well on my own... In fact, I am afraid of being alone. It frightens me in a way that words cannot accurately detail. This fear is one of my many insecurities. Someone told me recently to stop being so insecure, but I don't even know what self confidence tastes like. Maybe at one point I did, but not any more. How could I? Especially in the face of this great removal of a chunk of my support system? I know my family is there (or wants to be there) for me. Knowing this, however, is different from feeling it. That distance is evident even in my relationship to them.
I feel isolated and alone. I even - and perhaps especially - feel isolated from God. Now, I know that particular connection problem is my own, but that knowledge doesn't make the fact any easier to bear. Perhaps I deserve this abandonment. After all, with an addiction to homosexual pornography and with the acting on those tendencies time and again, its not like my family and most of my friends who are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are going to stand by those decisions. Neither can its leader - the great God of heaven. Whats more is that, when I decided to end that relationship - which happened to be with a man - and try to "get better", I left someone I was in love with and it hurt. And it still hurts - often.
On top of all of that, I can't seem to get close to anyone. I have surrounded myself with superficial acquaintances at best. They feel hollow and uninvigorating. And then I look at myself and wonder why anyone would want to get anywhere close to me. I don't see anything within me worth admiration. I don't look in the mirror and see someone worth any amount of respect or praise. I know the problem is with me in my own life and not with others. I'm sure that it has something to do with the selectively permeable iron curtain I have put up around my heart - deflecting every compliment with a cold shiver and allowing every ounce of negativity to pass through with ease. With such a silly and rather stupid - not to mention counterproductive - defense mechanism, I shouldn't complain... I should just learn to be lonely.
I don't really know where to go from here... I feel I'm a burden to all those around me. I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel the weight of being alone; I feel trapped and suffocated by the vastness of it. I sometimes wonder what the world would be like without me. I imagine it would be a brighter place and not much would change. One life rarely affects more than the few closest to it and, as stated above, that number is getting smaller and smaller.
Since May of 2013, I have had a steady decline in the number of friends that I have the privilege of calling my own. Beginning with the marriage of my best friend in the whole world, I have been more and more lonely as my friends disappear. They go off and get married and then become too busy to call or text, we break off a relationship and then avoid each other and each others friends, they move away, a misunderstanding gets in the way of communication, etc... The list "why's" goes on and on. Although the reasons vary, the outcome is still the same - I am left alone.
Now let me be clear: it is NOT that these people have intentionally pushed me out of their lives or vice versa. With the exception of one, I have not purged or think that I have been purged; but it certainly feels that way, and I do not do well on my own... In fact, I am afraid of being alone. It frightens me in a way that words cannot accurately detail. This fear is one of my many insecurities. Someone told me recently to stop being so insecure, but I don't even know what self confidence tastes like. Maybe at one point I did, but not any more. How could I? Especially in the face of this great removal of a chunk of my support system? I know my family is there (or wants to be there) for me. Knowing this, however, is different from feeling it. That distance is evident even in my relationship to them.
I feel isolated and alone. I even - and perhaps especially - feel isolated from God. Now, I know that particular connection problem is my own, but that knowledge doesn't make the fact any easier to bear. Perhaps I deserve this abandonment. After all, with an addiction to homosexual pornography and with the acting on those tendencies time and again, its not like my family and most of my friends who are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are going to stand by those decisions. Neither can its leader - the great God of heaven. Whats more is that, when I decided to end that relationship - which happened to be with a man - and try to "get better", I left someone I was in love with and it hurt. And it still hurts - often.
On top of all of that, I can't seem to get close to anyone. I have surrounded myself with superficial acquaintances at best. They feel hollow and uninvigorating. And then I look at myself and wonder why anyone would want to get anywhere close to me. I don't see anything within me worth admiration. I don't look in the mirror and see someone worth any amount of respect or praise. I know the problem is with me in my own life and not with others. I'm sure that it has something to do with the selectively permeable iron curtain I have put up around my heart - deflecting every compliment with a cold shiver and allowing every ounce of negativity to pass through with ease. With such a silly and rather stupid - not to mention counterproductive - defense mechanism, I shouldn't complain... I should just learn to be lonely.
I don't really know where to go from here... I feel I'm a burden to all those around me. I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel the weight of being alone; I feel trapped and suffocated by the vastness of it. I sometimes wonder what the world would be like without me. I imagine it would be a brighter place and not much would change. One life rarely affects more than the few closest to it and, as stated above, that number is getting smaller and smaller.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
False Starts and Unfinished Musings
I have been sitting on these posts for a while.... It never felt right to finish them or publish them. As I went over them again, I realized that they were there to help me figure a few things out. I now publish them as a group of my thoughts over the last few months. Sorry if they're a bit cryptic, but its been a whirlwind of a winter.
From somewhere in my soul during October to November:
I realized what I want. This realization, although much longed for, comes with a bitterness. The bitterness is impossibility. Here is why: I want someone to make a decision for me, implement it, and somehow have it be my idea. I want everything to work out and I not have to lift a finger to have it do so. There are countless flaws with this line of thinking, not the least of which is that it would mean nothing to me because I would have nothing invested in it.
A SOMETIMES SAD REALITY
To have anything worth while, you must really sacrifice for the things you really want. There is no other way to make the sacrifice permanent or be valid at all.
A thought from the same time period:
I am quite in love with the weather outside right now... Its blustery, cold, and the first real storm of the season is on the horizon ready with razor sharp shards of ice to bite down on the city and plunge us into winter. Now, normally I hate the cold intensely. The cold bites and tears, is devoid of emotion - an unfeeling force without pity. It seeps through the cracks in our attempts to keep it out and silently settles with a grip of iron. Cold is devoid of progress and holds its victims hostage in the place. I feel it deep inside my...
I never actually finished this one.... This is as far as it went.
A final feeling as I dealt with another round of break ups, a search for who I was/am, and the expressed hurt of demands from those I love. This one actually got a title!:
An Announcement
Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please! I have an announcement! It has been a long time coming. Its finally worked its way up from the bottom of my heart until it has filled my head and chest, spilled into my arms, poured down my legs, and expanded within me to the point where it needs to escape otherwise I will explode.
Here it is:
I am mad!
Much of my life is spent making other people happy in one way or another. I rarely think about myself or what I feel or what I want. I love doing this, so its not really a problem most of the time. What is a problem is when it isn't enough for some people who take all I have and then demand more.
Well, there you have it - the things I was mulling over as I sorted out who I am. The longer I deal with the "thorn in my flesh" to quote Paul (2 Corinthians 12:7), the more I am willing to talk about it, although it is terrifying - I am quite willing to discuss it. For those whose curiosity is peaked, feel free to contact me and ask. Send me a message and we can discuss it. I hope that it, despite its embarrassing and potentially inflaming nature, I hope I can help you - whoever you are. :)
________________________________________
From somewhere in my soul during October to November:
I realized what I want. This realization, although much longed for, comes with a bitterness. The bitterness is impossibility. Here is why: I want someone to make a decision for me, implement it, and somehow have it be my idea. I want everything to work out and I not have to lift a finger to have it do so. There are countless flaws with this line of thinking, not the least of which is that it would mean nothing to me because I would have nothing invested in it.
A SOMETIMES SAD REALITY
To have anything worth while, you must really sacrifice for the things you really want. There is no other way to make the sacrifice permanent or be valid at all.
_______________________________________
A thought from the same time period:
I am quite in love with the weather outside right now... Its blustery, cold, and the first real storm of the season is on the horizon ready with razor sharp shards of ice to bite down on the city and plunge us into winter. Now, normally I hate the cold intensely. The cold bites and tears, is devoid of emotion - an unfeeling force without pity. It seeps through the cracks in our attempts to keep it out and silently settles with a grip of iron. Cold is devoid of progress and holds its victims hostage in the place. I feel it deep inside my...
I never actually finished this one.... This is as far as it went.
________________________________________
A final feeling as I dealt with another round of break ups, a search for who I was/am, and the expressed hurt of demands from those I love. This one actually got a title!:
An Announcement
Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please! I have an announcement! It has been a long time coming. Its finally worked its way up from the bottom of my heart until it has filled my head and chest, spilled into my arms, poured down my legs, and expanded within me to the point where it needs to escape otherwise I will explode.
Here it is:
I am mad!
Much of my life is spent making other people happy in one way or another. I rarely think about myself or what I feel or what I want. I love doing this, so its not really a problem most of the time. What is a problem is when it isn't enough for some people who take all I have and then demand more.
________________________________________
Well, there you have it - the things I was mulling over as I sorted out who I am. The longer I deal with the "thorn in my flesh" to quote Paul (2 Corinthians 12:7), the more I am willing to talk about it, although it is terrifying - I am quite willing to discuss it. For those whose curiosity is peaked, feel free to contact me and ask. Send me a message and we can discuss it. I hope that it, despite its embarrassing and potentially inflaming nature, I hope I can help you - whoever you are. :)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)