It is a strange thing to hate yourself.
It is an odd feeling to realize that the burning feeling of exquisite displeasure and intense desire to get away from someone is directed at the someone you have to look at every day in the mirror.
Its weird to feel the contempt and disgust on your face match the contempt and disgust you hold in your heart and entirely more weird to realize its aimed at you.
It is a hard thing to feel your own heart break by these things and to not care.
It would be merciful if it stopped there, but hatred is never merciful.
The hatred seeps like a poison into everything and spoils it all, making happy memories sour and beautiful things sour.
It turns harmless jokes into spiteful jabs, exaggerates every offense, and then reminds you that the problem is inside your own self and that everyone knows it.
It tells you that because you feel this way, you cannot be really loved by others. Rather, you are pitied, rather like a hurt animal.
This causes you to you feel that you are sub-human.
A freak.
Unlovable. Undesirable. Unable to change.
This causes a dark despair - a sadness devoid of hope - to settle in your soul. It is all-encompassing. Your thoughts and feelings become consumed with hatred and despair. Because of this, you start to notice all the reasons you are as awful as you think you are. This adds to the deepening despair and growing hatred that boils and bubbles like a sludge in your gut until, one day, loathing crawls out of it. Dark, defiant, and terrible. Strong and powerful. Silent and vicious. Its influence changes you and you take on its traits. Your words become cold and sharp like claws, your attitude becomes venom, and your presence is frightful.
This causes people to leave your life because of the thing you've become. Those that don't leave on their own you make sure to push away.
After you've done this, you are alone and your hatred chuckles, the loathing laughs, and they whisper to you that it all your fault.
They then turn their backs on you and despair's deafening silence crushes you.
That is what its like to hate yourself.
