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From somewhere in my soul during October to November:
I realized what I want. This realization, although much longed for, comes with a bitterness. The bitterness is impossibility. Here is why: I want someone to make a decision for me, implement it, and somehow have it be my idea. I want everything to work out and I not have to lift a finger to have it do so. There are countless flaws with this line of thinking, not the least of which is that it would mean nothing to me because I would have nothing invested in it.
A SOMETIMES SAD REALITY
To have anything worth while, you must really sacrifice for the things you really want. There is no other way to make the sacrifice permanent or be valid at all.
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A thought from the same time period:
I am quite in love with the weather outside right now... Its blustery, cold, and the first real storm of the season is on the horizon ready with razor sharp shards of ice to bite down on the city and plunge us into winter. Now, normally I hate the cold intensely. The cold bites and tears, is devoid of emotion - an unfeeling force without pity. It seeps through the cracks in our attempts to keep it out and silently settles with a grip of iron. Cold is devoid of progress and holds its victims hostage in the place. I feel it deep inside my...
I never actually finished this one.... This is as far as it went.
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A final feeling as I dealt with another round of break ups, a search for who I was/am, and the expressed hurt of demands from those I love. This one actually got a title!:
An Announcement
Ladies and Gentlemen, your attention please! I have an announcement! It has been a long time coming. Its finally worked its way up from the bottom of my heart until it has filled my head and chest, spilled into my arms, poured down my legs, and expanded within me to the point where it needs to escape otherwise I will explode.
Here it is:
I am mad!
Much of my life is spent making other people happy in one way or another. I rarely think about myself or what I feel or what I want. I love doing this, so its not really a problem most of the time. What is a problem is when it isn't enough for some people who take all I have and then demand more.
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Well, there you have it - the things I was mulling over as I sorted out who I am. The longer I deal with the "thorn in my flesh" to quote Paul (2 Corinthians 12:7), the more I am willing to talk about it, although it is terrifying - I am quite willing to discuss it. For those whose curiosity is peaked, feel free to contact me and ask. Send me a message and we can discuss it. I hope that it, despite its embarrassing and potentially inflaming nature, I hope I can help you - whoever you are. :)
