Soul Cries

Motivational speeches and talks are hard for me.  I know that I should come away from them ready to act.  I should know better and feel better about who I am.  I should feel more empowered and ready to take life by the horns and make necessary adjustments in my life to maintain these feelings.  I should feel all of this and more...

But, I don't...

I feel totally helpless and powerless.  I feel as though I will not be able to make any kind of positive change.  I feel bound and trapped by my habits, complacency, and laziness.  I feel as though I will never be better than my mistakes.

I am not inspired the way I should be by the inspirational stories.  Instead of feeling a lift, I feel my soul bow its head and wilt in my chest in total depression, knowing that it is incapable of doing the same.  I feel the pressure of those around me who expect better and their stares disappointment and disbelief as I bumble along consistently choosing amiss.  I feel completely helpless and alone.

Photo via Google

All I seem able to do is disappoint, stumble, and break people's hearts.  It would appear that I am unable to do anything right...  Perhaps I focus too much on what's past.  Perhaps I "should on" and expect too much of myself.  Perhaps  I look for the faults inside me and ignore any good - if there is any to be found...  Regardless of the source of my feelings, they are there.  I feel these things inside my soul.  I can feel their weight and can taste their bitterness.   I want to disappear into non-existence and hide from my inadequacy and the broken expectations of those around me.  Alas, my wish is impossible, this can never happen. 

College Life

I...  am....  exhausted.  I am convinced that part of the college experience - almost a right of passage - is to be so tired that your eyes itch.  So tired that everything from your text book to those studying around you become absolutely hilarious.  So tired that you ponder your bed more often than you should and you fantasize about how warm and comfortable it will be.  Your eyes are heavy, your immune system is weak, and everything is funny.  I find myself in such a state right now.

 I have a cold, a headache, and have only had about half the sleep I would after normal sleeping patterns over the past few nights.  I feel as though I might sneeze my nose off!  I have a pain that has taken residence in my upper right nostril and my eyes are always watering and heavy.  I'm not allergic to anything, so I know its a cold - which means that sleep and water can cure me.  Alas, all I can do is drink water.  Sleep isn't an option for me.  Not with the schedule I keep.  It is an impossibility.

This is the story of my life! Photo via Google

 I do believe the triangle above says it all!  It is missing a few elements, however, such as a job, personal time, and the ever difficult decision between healthy food, whats cheap, and the nearest vending machine.  College is one of the most interesting places I have ever been to!  Only in college will students willingly deprive themselves of sleep to work for just a few more minutes on an upcoming project.  Only in college will a person with who knows what kind of disease infecting the body still get up for class, go to work, and then live in the library working on homework until the wee hours of the morning.  Only in college will a man with too much to do take time to write on his blog.  ;)

Well.... I must get back to homework.  I have a four page paper due on Tuesday that I need to create.  I plan on being physically well the next time I write.  Wish me luck!

Song of the Day

Let me begin this way: I have a love affair with music.  It is one of my greatest escapes, whether I'm running from the world or just running from myself, I can count on music to be there for me.  It breaths life into my soul.  I can soar over the clouds of despair, skim the waters of pain and hurt, and ponder the image in the looking glass.  I can bathe in the melodies and harmonies as I am whisked along the journey each song presents.

Often, as I listen to the radio or my iPod, I can feel my heart searching for the song that would best expresses what I'm feeling.  Music says what my heart would if it had a voice.  I look and live for those little moments where my heart bursts open and shouts along with the music.  My heart has different ways of telling me what its feeling.  Sometimes its tears and other times puffs itself up and nods in agreement. 

Today, I have been completely obsessed with Mika's Grace Kelly.  I am not exaggerating when I say that I have listened to this song upwards of fifteen times in the last three hours.  This doesn't seem like a lot, but I'm at work, so I cant really listen to a song over and over again without annoying those around me.  Something about its whimsical melody and silly lyrics has grabbed my hearts attention.  It doesn't complete what my heart wants to say, but it is definitely the silly and goofy side of it. 

Anecdotal Blabberings

I think that I am a bit preoccupied with trying to post something deep and moving when it really is just my thoughts - however they come out of my head - that matter.  One of these days, I'll do a stream of consciousness post and we'll see what kinds of silly things come out of my head... It could either be hilarious or full of over-shares that I'll bear the shame of forever.  That is what I said this  blog would be, right?  My thoughts, pure and raw, written down for the world to see.  Well, to be true to that credo, here are some of them for you:

WARNING! THIS NEXT PART GETS A LITTLE ANECDOTAL... 

This morning, I must confess that I have somewhat more on my mind than usual...  I was up rather late last night - 2 am to be exact -  at a friends house contemplating a precipice.  It is a wide chasm; and its dark down there so I can't see the bottom.  It could be just out of sight, hiding under the line where dark meets light, or it could be hundreds of feet down and quite the fall.  Either way, I most likely wouldn't come back from a trip over it.  "Well, no duh, Josh! When you fall off of a cliff, you usually die..."

Rarely have truer words been spoken - falling from great heights is bad for the human body. Well, the fall isn't lethal, but the stopping part most definitely is.  For this post, we're going to say that "falling" means there are no parachutes, ropes, lifelines, bungee cords, etc...  It is just you, the wind, and gravity. In this way, the stopping part would be lethal.  A part of me - I'm still not sure how big or powerful it is yet, but a part of me non the less - wants to leap from the cliff and fall into whatever awaits.  To be engulfed by the darkness and let its secrets caress and embrace me.  I am intrigued by and curious about what awaits in it.  I have been there before and I enjoyed it.  I miss it.  My heart yearns to go back there.  This is the easy way to go

However, there is another path I must consider.  It leads directly away from the cliff to a steep climb up beyond the horizon.  Just as I couldn't see beyond the boundary where dark meets light, I don't know what the boundary of the horizon holds, either.  The trail is difficult and its intensity is a fixed and immutable fact.  It will not and cannot change.  It has a sign with the 2 stipulations for following the trail:

1. Don't take your eyes off the horizon. 
2. Put your heart into the climb.

These two rules carry quite the implications with them.  Regardless how much I want to, I cannot look back for an instant.  If I do, I am whisked back to the beginning of the path.  Here's why: I broke the two rules of the trail.  I took my eyes off the horizon and I showed where my heart really is - at the cliff-side, not on the climb.  I know in my head that the best decision is to take this path and sacrifice as it requires.  My heart disagrees with me. 

Complicating matters, at both the cliff-side and the trail head, there are people beckoning me towards them.  Each is convinced that theirs is the right way to go and I am trapped in the middle needing to make a decision.  Neither party will wait very long.  Both parties will be hurt if I don't choose them.  I cannot keep both parties happy, which means I will not be happy...

I now stand in the middle, lost and confused as to which way I go.  Whichever way it is, it must be permanent.  Anyone who knows anything about my life in the last 3 months knows how much I hate this whole situation, and how much I hate myself for hurting as many as I have as I blunder about trying to figure things out.  As much as I want to wish this whole situation away, it isn't possible.  There are no fairy-godmothers waiting to waive their wands and have the problem disappear.  There is no magic cure for a broken heart.  There is only making a decision and learning to live with yourself afterwards.  Falling in love is always messy...  It is compounded a hundred fold when it involves two people of the same gender.  Multiply it by another thousand when you see them all of the time.

"There is no easy road this time, Josh... What are you going to do?"

"I have no idea..."

Late Night Heart Twinges

Last night, after not studying for a test the way I should have, I decided to pour salt into a wound that I keep telling myself will heal.  I spent a little while visiting websites where I could see the someone who causes this wound to be a part of me.  I reminisced about our time together, smiled at the good times, and sat down in exquisite sadness as I mourn the loss of a dear friend and almost lover.

I can almost hear you asking, "Why do that to yourself? Why not just forget it and move on?"  To the which I respond, "I would LOVE to do that, but what do I do with this hole in my heart?"  I ended a relationship that I was enjoying immensely and really didn't want to end.  To this moment, I am not sure I ended it for the right reasons - at least the reasons I know I should have caused its end.  My motives and the loss of a treasured relationship are just a couple of reasons my soul aches and shivers inside me from the cold that now surrounds these memories.

 Now, for all those who are worried - if you even read this...  Perhaps I am just addressing you for my own conscience - trying to prove to myself that I am trying to get better and that I am working at filling this hole that has taken residence in my heart.  The wound has healed considerably from what it was only two weeks ago, but it is still here on my heart.  It was the right decision, and we both saw that when we decided we needed to go our separate ways.

However, the confidence I felt in the decision immediately afterward has now begun to fade and hurt has taken its place.  I still know it was the right thing, but it doesn't feel that way.  This problem is only compounded due to the fact that I have the extreme pleasure (or misfortune) of seeing the source of my heartache every week.  If I turned my life upside down, I could get away and play the avoid game.  However, all that does is sweep the problem under the rug - and I can still see the lump.  The only way to conquer this problem is to face it head on and attack.

Acknowledging that fact prompts a few thoughts.  The first is that I don't feel the strength that this will require.  I don't feel capable of besting this fight.  I feel powerless to make any kind of positive change in my life, due largely to the fact that I have struggled to do so in the past, and now have no confidence in my abilities.  I don't feel up to this challenge.  I know, however, that I don't have a choice.  I will have to face this whether I want to or not.  It is the sad reality of life I have discovered being a grown up - we cannot run from our problems, we have to deal with them or drag them with us for the rest of our lives.  It is on us to choose what we really want.

"So," you ask, "what is it that you really want?"

I answer you this way: "I don't have an answer for you right now..."   

I have an itch...

I wasn't planning on writing again so soon, but I can sense the need to do so. I feel a restlessness in my soul - an itch deep inside for something great. A hope for more than I now have and for something better.  A secret desire that I am sure we all share: to be known and cared for.  And, beyond even that, to feel those things with every fiber of my being!  The more I think about it, the more it distills in my heart.  I want to be known!  I want to be appreciated!  I want to be loved!  Alas, I know that - even if I knew I was the recipient of such great treasures, they would mean nothing if I can't (or won't) feel them or believe that they are even there.

I have a disease...  Well, two, really.  One is serious and the other more lighthearted.  I'll tell you about the silly one first: I am constantly hungry.  Those who know me best know that I am always ready for a bite to eat. Anytime, anywhere, if you need an eating buddy, I'm your man.

The second, and considerably more serious, disease has two parts: Part 1. I don't know who I really am.  I don't know how I fit into the cosmos.  I don't know what makes me tick.  I have this problem because I have never taken the time to get to know myself.  Part 2: I don't care enough about myself to do so.  To be quite honest, I actually quite despise myself.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want any sympathy for that statement, but it would also be a lie to say that I would accept that sympathy if it were offered. I find myself in quite the state of self loathing and not wanting to get any better. I have become comfortable in my self hate and I can no longer see any other way of life.  How very refreshing and depressing all at once to discover these things about myself.

Introducing Me - An Exuberant Life

I don't know if anyone will ever read this.  A small part of me hopes that no one ever will...  It could potentially be very embarrassing if anyone ever found this because I intend to be very blunt and open - allowing my thoughts and emotions to be expressed in all their raw beauty.  I don't want to keep secrets or hide from my past.  I have spent too long trying to do that and now its time to face the music and accept who I am.

I have kept a journal in the past, writing consistently for a while and then falling off - so, all in all my journal keeping has been sporadic at best.  Being in college, I am ALWAYS online doing one thing or another...  Usually avoiding homework on Facebook or hiding from assignments on YouTube...  Since I am always online, it is the logical step to have an online journal... blog... thing...  We will experiment together to see what this becomes as I write.  So, in an effort to have some proof that I actually did live, I begin this online journal... blog... thing...  I have several friends who all blog and they find it very therapeutic, so I shall give it a shot.

In trying to begin this blog, I asked a dear friend if there was a word or phrase that best described me.  She thought for a minute (or so I assume - I asked her via a Facebook message and she took a few minutes to respond) and she sent me this link.  I loved it so much that I quite nearly used it in the title of my journal... blog... thing.  Alas, I couldn't make it fit.  That being the case, I decided to add it into the first entry.  I was intrigued by that word because - more often than not- I don't feel very exuberant.  Quite the opposite actually...  It is a beautiful adjective, and I hope that, one day, I will feel that it is the one that best describes my life.

Life is supposed to shape us, define us, and help us become what we are truly meant to be.  I stumbled upon this picture today and I think it fits what I am trying to say. This endeavor (internet-journal-blog-thing) is to help me learn to see the exuberance and, eventually after all the rough patches, be strong.