Late Night Heart Twinges

Last night, after not studying for a test the way I should have, I decided to pour salt into a wound that I keep telling myself will heal.  I spent a little while visiting websites where I could see the someone who causes this wound to be a part of me.  I reminisced about our time together, smiled at the good times, and sat down in exquisite sadness as I mourn the loss of a dear friend and almost lover.

I can almost hear you asking, "Why do that to yourself? Why not just forget it and move on?"  To the which I respond, "I would LOVE to do that, but what do I do with this hole in my heart?"  I ended a relationship that I was enjoying immensely and really didn't want to end.  To this moment, I am not sure I ended it for the right reasons - at least the reasons I know I should have caused its end.  My motives and the loss of a treasured relationship are just a couple of reasons my soul aches and shivers inside me from the cold that now surrounds these memories.

 Now, for all those who are worried - if you even read this...  Perhaps I am just addressing you for my own conscience - trying to prove to myself that I am trying to get better and that I am working at filling this hole that has taken residence in my heart.  The wound has healed considerably from what it was only two weeks ago, but it is still here on my heart.  It was the right decision, and we both saw that when we decided we needed to go our separate ways.

However, the confidence I felt in the decision immediately afterward has now begun to fade and hurt has taken its place.  I still know it was the right thing, but it doesn't feel that way.  This problem is only compounded due to the fact that I have the extreme pleasure (or misfortune) of seeing the source of my heartache every week.  If I turned my life upside down, I could get away and play the avoid game.  However, all that does is sweep the problem under the rug - and I can still see the lump.  The only way to conquer this problem is to face it head on and attack.

Acknowledging that fact prompts a few thoughts.  The first is that I don't feel the strength that this will require.  I don't feel capable of besting this fight.  I feel powerless to make any kind of positive change in my life, due largely to the fact that I have struggled to do so in the past, and now have no confidence in my abilities.  I don't feel up to this challenge.  I know, however, that I don't have a choice.  I will have to face this whether I want to or not.  It is the sad reality of life I have discovered being a grown up - we cannot run from our problems, we have to deal with them or drag them with us for the rest of our lives.  It is on us to choose what we really want.

"So," you ask, "what is it that you really want?"

I answer you this way: "I don't have an answer for you right now..."