Dwindling

I have found myself in an interesting place as of late.  Perhaps interesting isn't the right word...  It holds the connotation of positivity and good things to come, and that would NOT be accurate.  Depressing, awful, unpleasant - although not altogether surprising - would probably be closer to the truth.

Since May of 2013, I have had a steady decline in the number of friends that I have the privilege of calling my own.  Beginning with the marriage of my best friend in the whole world, I have been more and more lonely as my friends disappear.  They go off and get married and then become too busy to call or text, we break off a relationship and then avoid each other and each others friends, they move away, a misunderstanding gets in the way of communication, etc...  The list "why's" goes on and on.  Although the reasons vary, the outcome is still the same - I am left alone. 

 Now let me be clear:  it is NOT that these people have intentionally pushed me out of their lives or vice versa.  With the exception of one, I have not purged or think that I have been purged; but it certainly feels that way, and I do not do well on my own...  In fact, I am afraid of being alone.  It frightens me in a way that words cannot accurately detail.  This fear is one of my many insecurities.    Someone told me recently to stop being so insecure, but I don't even know what self confidence tastes like.  Maybe at  one point I did, but not any more.  How could I?  Especially in the face of this great removal of a chunk of my support system?  I know my family is there (or wants to be there) for me.  Knowing this, however, is different from feeling it.  That distance is evident even in my relationship to them.  

I feel isolated and alone.  I even - and perhaps especially - feel isolated from God.  Now, I know that  particular connection problem is my own, but that knowledge doesn't make the fact any easier to bear.  Perhaps I deserve this abandonment.  After all, with an addiction to homosexual pornography and with the acting on those tendencies time and again, its not like my family and most of my friends who are active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are going to stand by those decisions.  Neither can its leader - the great God of heaven.  Whats more is that, when I decided to end that relationship - which happened to be with a man - and try to "get better", I left someone I was in love with and it hurt.  And it still hurts - often.

On top of all of that, I can't seem to get close to anyone.  I have surrounded myself with superficial acquaintances at best.  They feel hollow and uninvigorating.  And then I look at myself and wonder why anyone would want to get anywhere close to me.  I don't see anything within me worth admiration.  I don't look in the mirror and see someone worth any amount of respect or praise.  I know the problem is with me in my own life and not with others.  I'm sure that it has something to do with the selectively permeable iron curtain I have put up around my heart - deflecting every compliment with a cold shiver and allowing every ounce of negativity to pass through with ease.  With such a silly and rather stupid - not to mention counterproductive - defense mechanism, I shouldn't complain...  I should just learn to be lonely.

I don't really know where to go from here...  I feel I'm a burden to all those around me.  I feel hopeless and helpless.  I feel the weight of being alone; I feel trapped and suffocated by the vastness of it. I sometimes wonder what the world would be like without me.  I imagine it would be a brighter place and not much would change.  One life rarely affects more than the few closest to it and, as stated above, that number is getting smaller and smaller.