Cultivating Compassion

A quick note - This is an updated previous post.  I liked it so much that I wanted to give it a face lift. Cheers! Josh 

We Have A Problem

The world is missing something – something we used to have but, especially in recent years, have lost. Headlines are filled with its absence, overwhelming us with bombings, shootings, political turmoil, suicide, hatred, and bigotry nearly every day. I have had conversations (read arguments) about these topics that boiled with heated opinions, were choked with intense emotions, and, walking away, I felt generally agitated. Following self-reflection, I realized that this agitation comes from the lack of compassion I felt and exhibited in these interactions. I want to discuss the causes of the systemic compassion deficit and how to fix it.

Compassion Killers & Surface Conversation

Compassion is killed by 3 key things:

     1) Always speaking and never hearing

     2) Focusing on how we are different

     3) Failing to forgive

Because of our natural desire to belong to a group, these practices and patterns cause a polarization of people, of their feelings, and of their ideals; driving most of us to one extreme or the other on any given issue. When “hot button” topics come up, we avoid the conversation or try to end them as soon as possible. This avoidance of charged topics, especially in “polite conversations,” does us a disservice. Most – if not all – of these issues have their base in at least one of our personal passions. Deeming it “impolite” to talk about such things reinforces the ideal that we cannot express too much of who we are in fear of being rude. Our fundamental selves, therefore, become dangerous and unacceptable. Our conversations, therefore, become surface-level and trite, in which we learn nothing about ourselves or the other person that has real value. We, instead, choose to discuss topics that have little to do with our fundamental character and what makes us unique. Instead, we engage in small talk in which we reveal nothing about ourselves. This is safer, yes, but it prevents us from being truly vulnerable.

How Compassion Killers Work

Often when we engage in more serious conversations, we feel we have to defend ourselves from the proverbial “other.” Doing so, we use the compassion killers to insulate ourselves from harm. We sarcastically talk more and talk more about ourselves, focusing on how we differ from other people and, by so doing, justify our existence. We keep away from subjects that we feel would reveal too much of ourselves. These practices keep us from divulging too much of our true selves and help hide the parts of us by which we are embarrassed or of which we are afraid. When someone offends us or accidentally hurts our feelings, rather than admitting that the comment was hurtful, we shrug it off and pretend that it didn’t happen, or we cut the person out of our lives completely. We bury the hurt deep and practice a pseudoforgiveness – one in which we carry the hurt around with us, pretending to ourselves and others that it does not still bother us. We do not heal. We do not connect with others. We do not make room for others in our lives and hearts. And, inevitably, compassion ebbs away.

Compassion Cultivators

I want to present 3 solutions to counteract these killers – I will call them compassion cultivators. They are quite simple, yet rather difficult to do. They are the following:

     1) Listen and seek understanding

     2) Remember that we are more similar than we are different while celebrating difference

     3) Quickly and frankly forgive

These practices are simple enough but can be quite challenging to perform. They require that we are, at least sometimes, genuinely vulnerable. Vulnerability is, for me, the key ingredient of connection and compassion because I am genuinely myself. I show others who I really am. And, because I want them to be kind to me, I am kind to them. I am more apt to listen to what they are saying and ask clarifying questions to truly understand. I find things that we have in common and invite discussion about these topics and explore other things that we may or may not share. And, when I feel that I have been tread upon emotionally, I say so. This can be frightening, especially at the start, but it will ultimately lead to warmer, fuller relationships and bring an authenticity to our interactions.

Last Words

Dear friends, let us seek to live authentically and cultivate compassion in our interactions. Let us boldly practice vulnerability as we seek connections and cultivate compassion. Doing so will bring happiness and peace to our lives and help us to reintroduce the key ingredients to bring back what is missing from our lives – the hope that accompanies compassion.